Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Looking Back, Looking Forward

I happened to go over to Magpie Musing's blog--I haven't been reading blogs much in recent times, and she mentioned how she's been printing out years of her blog periodically.  I did this myself for just the first year or so of my blog, but then stopped. But this inspired me to look at my old blogs.

I had to move my blog here from Blog City some years ago, but before I did so I was able to download all my years of posts to an email account. So after reading Maggie's post, I went there and started retrieving my stuff.

I started in 2003, and I am now working through 2005. It is stunning how much I wrote in those years.  Even removing book reviews and recipes, there is a ton of material chronicling my life, my family and the world around me for nearly a decade of my life.

Right now I am just downloading the stuff, putting it into Word documents, and sending them to the Drop Box account I started to house Dad's photos. But eventually I want to edit them and print them out, year by year.

Already I have spotted sweet bits about the girls, still young back then, rants about the Man, and complaints about patrons. Some things have changed. Some haven't.

Meanwhile I am trying to make up my mind to go and look at another house. It is not in our immediate neighborhood, but it's still within our comfort zone area, and it's big and beautiful.

One thing I wrote about in those blogs was how the Man felt as if we had a dark cloud hovering over us, and how I chose happiness. It's sad how I've swung towards his way of thinking, at least some of the time.  I'm scared that this house IS the one, because I'm scared that if we get it, it will somehow now be good, or that something else bad will happen.

I need to stop doing that. And to keep remembering to believe what Andy, the guru of Headspace says--even when it's cloudy there is blue sky beyond.

It's a gray, wet start to May, but I'm trying to believe in the blue sky.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Being Grateful

My mammogram was normal and the Man is much, much more like his old self. I feel like I've gotten my husband back. He still has him moments--but he seems visibly to love me again, which is all that matters.

I've taken to using Headspace, a meditation app, and Andy, the "guru" if you will, had an animation about how you should remember that even when the clouds block the sky, there is still sun and blue sky beyond them. I've seen some of that blue sky recently and I appreciate it.

I need to stay grateful for that. Because not only has the house hunt stayed static, but our beloved Chincoteague rental house has been sold. No more days on the big porch, reading and napping on the swing. No more family meals at the fabulous glass topped table full of sand and sea creatures.

So I look at houses to buy and houses to rent, and it's all frustrating.

But I was in ballet last week, and often when we're doing certain exercises (ronde de jambe especially), I get a lovely feeling of beauty and grace. 

We were doing ronde de jambe en l'air  last Thursday, which I love, and I had one of those moments. It was even more. I felt  profound happiness, to the point of tears.

 I am (hopefully) in good health. The Man is better. We've got each other and the girls.
That's a lot to be grateful for!

Saturday, April 16, 2016


 So much now is a wait.

The house I thought I'd like sold, but the kitchen was too small. The only ones I like right now are still too pricey, so I have to wait till the price goes down or till they sell and then something else shows up....

I am waiting on my home colon test, and on my mammogram, and worrying that some minor skin thing that the tech didn't mark on my mammogram will give me a false positive....

I am waiting to hear from JR to make sure she's okay after an asthma thing yesterday AM, though I'm sure she's fine......

I am waiting to do my taxes till tomorrow because we have to pay an unfair chunk of Mom's pension money in taxes. Which makes me fume knowing my brother's accountants probably fiddle his so that he pays far less proportionately in taxes.....

But the Man took the paper I left on the table last week and made an appointment to go see a psychologist. And I now know that he went, though he hasn't told me so.

So that's one less thing I'm waiting on..................................

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

The Things That Scare Me

I haven't been good with medical tests since the summer of 1994, when I was pregnant with SC, and the doctors scared me into thinking I had lupus.

Twenty one years later it's apparent it was more likely that the tests were seeing thyroid issues, since some years back I was diagnosed with Hashimoto Syndrome, and now take levothryroid on a regular basis. But the scars from 1994 are still there.

And 4 years ago (God, 4 years already!) when my mom got diagnosed with MDS, and my dad got sick, and I spent 2 years in rounds of hospitals, nursing homes and doctor's offices, my fears really kicked in. Going to the doctor for me or for the girls terrifies me.  I only do it when I have to, and that isn't often.

Today I screwed my courage to the sticking point again and sent in my home colon screening. That's something I have managed to do for several years running, and I know that even if it did come back with something, odds are very, very high it would be minor and treatable. 

And this morning I called and made myself a mammography appointment for Friday, though that too scares me. Because this has to stop.

I have spent the last 4 years terrified of bad things. I am still terrified.

But I am waiting on pre-approval for a mortgage. Mom and Dad's lifetime of work has now made it possible for me  (I hope) to find a bigger, nicer house.

Away from Pugface Lady, Birdcage Girl and the Queen of Vulgaria. Privacy--a yard where we don't have to listen to our neighbors, maybe a quiet porch to share with the cats.  Space for the Man's endless stuff, a place for him to have privacy when he needs it that won't encroach on the rest of us, but comfortable space when we are all together. Room to throw a party and invite all my in-laws, my work friends and the girls' friends. A house that JR won't be ashamed to bring her friends into.

And I keep thinking that even if we do succeed with the mortgage, even if we do get the house, something bad will happen.

So I need to do these scary things--and others--and try to believe again that good things will come my way again.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Post Christmas

There was one part of Christmas at Nanay and Taytay's house that I always hated, and that was gift time.

Not only were the kids required to wait till after lunch (one reason I was glad to keep SC and JR at my parents' house, where they could get their "Santa" gifts and stocking first thing in the morning,) but they had to open presents on person at a time while someone videoed it. This made the proceedings interminable. It also made them embarrassing for me.

I am NOT a material person. Really. But it was always awful watching my sister-in-law (and later, my niece) opening their extravagant gifts from their spouses, while I often got nothing.

The Man has never been much for presents. But this year, he not only ignored me, but ignored our girls. He made a few feeble comments about getting a strap for one of JR's guitars, but that was it.

I spent weeks busting my ass to give the girls things they wanted for Christmas. I spent time trying to make Christmas a happy occasion for them.

I spent all of December trying to do things for the Man. I made him a special birthday dinner--as close as I could come to what Nanay made him, including my first ever Black Forest cake. 

We went to NYC last weekend and I stayed in the hotel with JR Friday night when she didn't want to go out  so he and SC could go out to dinner with his brothers. I took JR to the Museum of Modern Art (not MY first choice) so he could go wandering with SC. I arranged the whole weekend in fact mainly so HE could see HIS family.  And I got next to no appreciation for it.

Christmas Eve was good. I cooked up a storm, the girls decorated the tree, and we watched some Christmas specials. But they went to bed, I spent time wrapping the gifts that I had bought, and he did his own thing.

Christmas morning could have been lovely. But the Man's back was hurting, and he didn't do what I'd have done, which was ignore it and participate. He did next to nothing. He liked the gifts we gave him, but had done nothing for us. It hurt the girls a lot.

And he thought I was reluctant to go to his sister's yesterday, and I was, but not for reasons he could imagine. But for the fact that I didn't have time,energy or money to buy gifts for my niece's 3 lovely but overindulged kids, and we were there empty handed while my sister-in-law, lord love her, insists on giving gifts to US.
Probably just as well that I didn't. There was an exchange between my great-nephew (10) and JR, and when she told him she got a book for Christmas he responded "I don't think that's a good present," and that's what I would have bought him. All he cares about are his Pokemon cards and electronic games. Gag...

The girls and I ended up sitting away from the gathering while they all opened their gifts and the Man sat apart from us in silence. I don't think he spoke to me once yesterday.

SC interacted well with the family, but she is far more used to them than JR, who doesn't feel like she belongs. And sadly, it's really true. We're never out there any more. She never got spoiled by my sister-in-law as SC did--another niece (who didn't need spoiling) and then grandchildren got Rosie's attention instead. Not her fault--especially since JR never liked being away from us anyway when she was little.

I was glad to come home, and crawled into bed and cried because I miss my parents and Nanay and Taytay. I hate that we're never all together with the brother-in-laws. I cried because my brother is MIA as usual at the holidays--not even a "Merry Christmas" text yesterday, and because JR was so clearly unhappy at my in-laws and is unhappy and sad at home, and because so much of it is from the Man and his behavior, and he promised to go and deal with his depression, or whatever the hell it is, and he still hasn't.

And I just can't make things okay for the girls anymore.

I am so, SO glad to be at work today.
It's pathetic, but true.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Dear George Takei

Dear "Uncle George",

I am not trying to be a troll. I was a Star Trek fan long ago, before it was fashionable, and I even got to see you  back to the conventions in NYC in the 70s.

I have the utmost respect for your personal moral courage, and I understand the need to tell your story. My grandmother was a friend of the artist Mine Okubo, who was also in the camps and did some very significant art work based on her experiences.

But before plunking down $$$$ for your show, your fans might want to go to:     They can read what the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal among others have written about your show.
 Because the truth is that while you'll probably be on Broadway for a long time thanks largely to your adroit use of social media, the show isn't as good as you'd like them to believe.

Sincerely yours,

The Library Lady

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Thanksgiving=Love. Period.

 I just read a NY Times article about Thanksgiving, full of stuff about people who are on gluten free diets (even though they don't have celiac), self righteous posturings about meat eating and more.
And this is what I wrote in the comments:

Thanksgiving is not about the food. It is about the love and sharing.
Two years ago this month my mom was in the hospital, just out of the ICU and starting to eat solid foods again. I brought her a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner, with everything soft and easy to eat, and fed it to her spoon by spoon.She ate everything I gave her and said how good it was.

I went home in a taxi and cried for the sheer happiness of having been able to do that for her, and because I would have given anything to have her and my dad back at the house.

Mom left us several months later. Last year was the first Thanksgiving dinner I'd cooked at home in at least 15 years.  I did everything my way, we ate far earlier than we would have at Mom's,and we had a good time together. But oh, for one more dinner with my parents!

Please think about that before you start whining about your dietary needs, your personal beliefs about meat, or any of the rest of it.

If you're lucky enough to have the people you love there at the table, nothing else matters.