Thursday, April 19, 2012

Nightmare

A week ago my mother called to tell me she'd had tests that indicated she probably had some form of leukemia.
Yesterday, she told me the doctor thinks she has MSD--also known as pre-leukemia, which sounds less malevolent, but in most cases is not.
We don't have a prognosis yet. But the odds are not good.

They are not good for my father either. He is about to turn 91 and if anything happens to my mother he will follow her far more swiftly than my father-in-law followed my mother. They are inseparable.

My brother is looking into home help for them. They will probably have to transition to assisted living, which will break their hearts.

I WANT THEM HERE. I want them nearby, where I can be there everyday. Where the Man can see them. Where the girls can see them.

Where I can take them to doctors. Cook for them. Shop for them. Do what's needed.

My brother will help. My sister-in-law will help. Lord knows, with money, with a MAID, with her kids in school, she could help a lot. But I know that she won't do what I would do.

And they won't move here. And I can't be there.

I am going to lose my mother. My father. The apartment I grew up in. My times to be there with them. To be in NYC.

It's all coming. And I am stuck here, 250 miles away, unable to be there with them.

And I can't write any more about this. Not now. Maybe not ever.

4 comments:

enupoo said...

I'm so sorry, Lisa. I hope you still have much good time with them both.

De said...

It's a tough situation. You couldn't ever change it though - you were always going to have to give them up sometime. The only suggestion I have for you is that you sit down when you are feeling your strongest with another person whose counsel you trust and try to work through the possibilities to find any scenario that helps you get a bit closer to what you would like to have happen. Maybe you can get up there and spend more time than you think. When something is imperative, we all find a way, somehow.

Saints and Spinners said...

I ache for you. I am not ready, either, and never will be. De sounds wise.

Cheryl said...

Dear Library Lady,
Which exact type of leukemia? Wikipedia is very clear on the prognosis for each.
I used to be Madbaggage and you used to be very kind to me, posting comments etc. Today I came to see if you still blogged, because I discovered an old post referring to my youngest as 9 (she is now 15) where you had commented, and was moved to come find you. Talk about timing. You have my extreme sympathy. My mother has bladder cancer and the slow growing bone type, she's had all her chemo and has been living with this for about three years. We understand she has another 5 or 6 to go, unless the bone cancer turns into the other type - she was terrified at first but then met other sufferers and came to the conclusion that, these days, cancer is something you 'die with', not 'die of'.
She has avoided going into a home and is a demon on her mobility scooter. We live too far away to visit, also.
I share your pain and your fear but also want to offer you hope.
Hugs.