Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I Feel Cursed

Last year it was Tatay. Then my dad, and then, to add insult to injury, Bart the cat.

Three weeks ago it was my Bella girl. Just 3 weeks ago today!

And now my mom is in the hospital. Her leukemia is full blown. Her white cell count is not only not responding to a new medication, it's gotten worse. Her kidneys aren't working well.

I feel as if I am in the book of Job, with God raining one tragedy after another on my head.
I feel cursed.

I spend time waiting for the next bad thing to happen, and now it is happening and I am SO tired of it all.

I don't want my mom to die. I don't want her to go away from us.

Above all, I don't want her to suffer.

And I don't want to deal with everything that will come afterwards and I hate myself for being cold blooded enough to think about it.

But I have to.
Because that too will fall upon me, as so much has over the past few years.

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