Friday, September 05, 2014

Unhappy

I feel more and more like Job, with one thing hitting me after another.

My new boss is doing my evaluation soon and I am sure it will be less than rosy. He is also meeting with each of the "managers" and is hinting darkly at "change", both his own ideas and the nonsense we get from Admin, and just thinking about it all scares me. I feel more and more as if I am not going to be allowed to love my job. And I am not looking forward to the new "assistant", who will make more work for me and I'm not even sure I will really like.  Meanwhile the nannies and the babies and toddlers destroy the toys I carefully selected and bought, scatter food and books all over the place and then generally leave without having checked out a thing. And I have to get back on the program treadmill last week. I love doing programs, but it's endless and exhausting.

The Man is depressed and angry and directs a lot of it at me. And last night he was busy cleaning book jackets with alcohol on the kitchen table--our only table--on SC's end because he has half the table covered with his own crap and barely has room for a plate. And when JR tried to sit down and eat her dessert he fussed at her for getting food near his stuff and reduced her to tears. She is so angry at the way he treats her at times--he has developed this fantasy ideal of her, and it isn't her and it makes me feel like nothing and she hates that for me and for herself.

All of SC's textbooks and other fall needs have sent our finances spiraling again, and I am struggling to pay for JR's 529 fund. Meanwhile my incredibly rich brother and his lawyer tell me that Mom's money can't really be touched till next winter, and my brother wants to leave the savings bonds that could pay for JR's education earning interest and untouched.

My parents' apartment is a hollow shell and we need to close it but the days I carefully cleared so the movers can come conflict with my brother's plans and his son's hockey games out of town. The Man and I are going up in 2 weeks with a van to take last things and after that, if my brother can't make the days I can, he can handle the rest and say goodbye to the place himself. I can't believe how fucking selfish he is being about this, after my spending 2 years dealing with things. He never lost a day with his kids and barely any work time and he doesn't get what it's cost me.

Menopause seems to be here and I keep waking up with damn hot flashes, I can't lose the weight I've gained back and I can't stop eating. And I am scared of all the medical tests I should be having and all the doctors visits I am not doing. I am afraid all the time.

I am afraid, and I feel lost and lonely and alone and exhausted. And I don't see better things ahead.

No comments: