Monday, December 22, 2014

Wanting to Believe

We made it through Thanksgiving, hard as it was to be here, without my parents--and having to serve a carefully low fat meal as well.

SC's surgery went as easily as was possible and she is making an excellent recovery.

Christmas is almost here, and I've done most of the shopping. There will be presents and food and we will manage the Christmas tree, even with Bruce, a.k.a. Errol Flynn in a fur coat, doubtlessly making it a challenge.

This awful year is almost over. And I want to believe that the next one will be happy and healthy and good.  That the various weird aches and pains I have had over the months are menopause and no more. That nothing bad will happen for a long, long time.

I want to believe that. I wish I could.
But here I am, still waiting for that other shoe to drop. For the bad things to happen. Because so much has happened and so much is gone.

I want my mother and my father. I want Nanay and Tatay. I want them all back and I want to be in NYC right now instead of here, trying to figure out how to do Christmas.

I want to drive the Man to his parents on Christmas Eve to go to Mass with them. I want Christmas Eve with my girls and my parents, watching the Yule Log on WPIX and watching the tree lights shine and wrapping presents and filling stockings.

I want Christmas Day in the overly warm apartment with Nay and Tay and our cousin and my brother in laws and sister in law all crowded in, and my great-nephew and nieces running about. All jammed in together, dressed up in our picture, and then all at the extended table overlooking the Hudson, feasting and being together.

My parents apartment is cold and empty. Someone else lives in my in-laws apartment, watching the boats on the Hudson and the lights of the George Washington Bridge. "A string of pearls"is how Daddy always described it.

I want to go back to when my girls were young enough for Barbie dolls instead of boyfriends, when the Man wasn't so angry so much of the time.

I want to believe there are good times to come and that nothing bad will happen and that things won't hurt so much.

But they do. And I can't. Not all of the time.

1 comment:

WifeMomTeacher said...

I want similar things. This Christmas was hard, and yet they have been gone so long.