Wednesday, June 03, 2015

Dear Nanay

It was 7 years ago last week. I lit a Jewish yahrzeit candle, and Sarah went to Blessed Sacrament and lit a candle there. Fitting, I guess.

Nay, I miss you for me because I love you, and for SC because she was so close to you and for JR because she never really got to know you. But above all I miss you for the Man.

He is in such bad shape, Nay. He is angry all the time. He is tired too much. He eats too much.
He's not biking. He's not working on household things unless he has too, or he's doing small projects that aren't what really need doing.

He won't talk to me. When I try, he goes silent. He's sweet and loving to JR nearly all the time, and mostly with SC he's good, but I feel him not wanting me there sometimes and I want to die inside.

He's worrying about his brothers. Yes, C and D made bad life choices. Yes, neither is doing as well as we'd like. But I see D--and R--on Facebook, living their lives, going out and doing things, and not nearly as unhappy as the Man is, with all of us to love him. That hurts too.

This morning I told him he needs to see his doctor so they can check his blood pressure and that he needs to get screened for depression. This after last night leaving JR's LAST choir concert, one that she wanted us both at, and walking home because he had a headache, and had been hostile to me in the car, and then sat there with his eyes closed while we were waiting for things to start.

The girls know he's not right. It hurts them too. And I hope they don't know that I worry he could even have suicidal tendencies. I don't think he would--but when I can't reach him by phone and he's been upset, I get terrified.

I want to drag him to Behavorial Health. I want to go into the room and tell the doctor everything he won't probably won't tell them. I want him on medication, if it will bring back the Man that I love so much, that I have never, ever stopped loving.

I want you back, Nay. But he's here, and yet he's not here, and I want him back.

Ironical that I think I will have to start channeling my mom to take care of your son. And yet, that's what I think I need to do.

Love you. Miss you and Tay and my mom and dad. Hope there's somewhere after this, and you've all had a chance to go out to dinner together and admire your granddaughters.

Love always,

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