I haven't been good with medical tests since the summer of 1994, when I was pregnant with SC, and the doctors scared me into thinking I had lupus.
Twenty one years later it's apparent it was more likely that the tests were seeing thyroid issues, since some years back I was diagnosed with Hashimoto Syndrome, and now take levothryroid on a regular basis. But the scars from 1994 are still there.
And 4 years ago (God, 4 years already!) when my mom got diagnosed with MDS, and my dad got sick, and I spent 2 years in rounds of hospitals, nursing homes and doctor's offices, my fears really kicked in. Going to the doctor for me or for the girls terrifies me. I only do it when I have to, and that isn't often.
Today I screwed my courage to the sticking point again and sent in my home colon screening. That's something I have managed to do for several years running, and I know that even if it did come back with something, odds are very, very high it would be minor and treatable.
And this morning I called and made myself a mammography appointment for Friday, though that too scares me. Because this has to stop.
I have spent the last 4 years terrified of bad things. I am still terrified.
But I am waiting on pre-approval for a mortgage. Mom and Dad's lifetime of work has now made it possible for me (I hope) to find a bigger, nicer house.
Away from Pugface Lady, Birdcage Girl and the Queen of Vulgaria. Privacy--a yard where we don't have to listen to our neighbors, maybe a quiet porch to share with the cats. Space for the Man's endless stuff, a place for him to have privacy when he needs it that won't encroach on the rest of us, but comfortable space when we are all together. Room to throw a party and invite all my in-laws, my work friends and the girls' friends. A house that JR won't be ashamed to bring her friends into.
And I keep thinking that even if we do succeed with the mortgage, even if we do get the house, something bad will happen.
So I need to do these scary things--and others--and try to believe again that good things will come my way again.